The Constant Need
Because my car is not the only thing that runs at 100 miles an hour…
The constant “mama” from the back seat while driving then add the brain that is running at 100 mph. Thought after thought, list after list, everything comes with a flash and that final “mama” breaks through your thoughts. Out of frustration, you turn around and your voice is raised as you say “what?” That little smile that once was there fades away which makes you realize your raised voice was maybe a little too harsh. Brings me back to reality and realize that I'm talking to my best friend, my mini me. Patience floods in again, because how dare I lose my temper at my child, but we’re human right? Moments like these are lessons to discern, So the future me can flourish and earn a life for my child well deserved.
I started attacking myself, I think we would call this motherly guilt, wondering if what I did was enough, but after all I didn't have much help. That weight begins to take its place in my stomach. It’s turning and now I'm starting to feel sick. All those things I could do wrong run unsupervised in my head. I sit back and think to myself “Bitch breathe!” Noticing my lungs were in fight or flight mode. Because you've done a good job and your child is grown. Stressed over nothing because they have a family and a house to call their own. My brain brings memories of when my child was younger and she needed her mother. Like when she needed help to get the bunny ears to cross, or when she needed my hand just to cross the street, or even those little adventures to the doctor's appointments because mom was afraid you’ll never like the doctor or even the dentist. Even when the first day of school started to not be so scary. Smile forms but tears wetting my cheeks as my brain is flooded with these tiny moments that pull at my heart strings. Never blink, they say. I'm starting to believe them. One day my precious daughter was born weighing 7 pounds 6 ounces and the next she's going to be turning 30 with a life of her own. As a daughter, we’ll always need our mothers but the feelings that our mothers go through are completely out of this world. We ask “how do we grasp the fact our children need us less and less as they grow up but never stray too far from home?” This is just the beginning of motherhood for me. Motherhood is a journey, with it’s highs and lows. An emotional ride, as every parent knows. Amid the chaos, we find those small moments so sweet. Giggles, bedtime stories, little hearts that beat. These fleeting treasures, they won’t last long. One day they’re living with you, next they’re neighbors or even a call along. New challenges arise, with distance in our way. But the love remains, through each and every day.
So pause and cherish every little part. For these moments will always hold a place in your heart.
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